Lifestyle Change

   So last week I joined a gym. Yep. The move I've made a few times, and stuck with for about 30 seconds. But I really like this gym. I actually ENJOY going. Weird huh? I don't always enjoy the nasty sweaty people working out next to me, or the fact that frankly some people just plain stink. But I like the individual attention I get from not only my personal trainer but the rest of the staff as well. Plus I have a routine structured just for me, and it is things that I really enjoy!
   I really can't be sure that I am seeing a difference in clothing or anything, and I couldn't really tell you how much I weight (even if I knew I wouldn't tell you!) but hopefully I can start seeing results soon. I should get Steve to take some "before" photos so that once I am at my goal I can post the difference. I really feel like this time will be different. My main struggle is diet. I am good when it comes to eating dinner, but the rest of the day is hard....I just don't know what to eat so I usually don't...which has to stop. On the up side.....NO soda. Strictly water! Which is helpful. 
  Now you may ask "Why now?" or "What has caused this attitude?". And I will tell you! I've had a couple of scares the past few months. Namely, I would be trying to do something as simple as stand up, or even just be at church, but not having eaten since the night before. So a good 12-13 hours of just water, and sometimes fruit or crackers but def no breakfast and usually no lunch. Anyways, I was really shaky, light headed and weak. My head was pounding and I just couldn't get up. I was talking to my RS pres at church (who is diabetic) and she said that was how she felt sometimes. Now being overweight and already knowing that my body was insulin resistant (in other words borderline diabetic) I just felt like "Oh no, my body is starting to really have problems....." and it scared me. 
   I do have to loose weight to have kids. That is a big reason too. But thinking of how I could be diabetic the rest of my life, or have heart problems really started to hit home. And I thought about how I need to raise my kids in a healthy home. And in order to do that, I have to be healthy! And therefore there is A LOT I need to learn. Soooo...I started with something that I knew had to change...my activity level. Which before last week was pretty non-exsistant! Embarrassing, but true. How could I have kids when some days I don't even want to get out of bed to feed myself and go outside from some Vitamin D?
   Things aren't going to be easy. I really love my chocolate and sweets. And most of the recipes I know and love....terrible for you! So forcing myself to breakfast and lunch is a first step. With it being summer here, my snacks haven't been chips, cookies and crackers but rather grapes (!!!! <3), pears, cherries, cantaloupe and the like. But when colder weather comes again, I don't know what I am going to do as all my lovely fruit is going to be out of season! I am still doing good about lean meats in small portions and lots of veggies. I love my steamed broccoli but still miss it with butter sauce! :( 
   I am hoping by my birthday I will have lost at least 5 kgs (roughly 10lbs). I would class that as a huge step in the right direction, and a huge success! Esp with me now working in a restaurant that has some of my most favorite dishes on offer! Hopefully I can resist the french  fries, the oreos, and of course my biggest nemesis chocolate ice cream! 

Dreams....

   I had the worst dreams last night. In it we still lived in our house but my entire (and I do mean ENTIRE) family was here because I was pregnant! I was apparently in labor because we all rushed to a hospital....but it was a hospital that didn't have an OB/GYN. And I wasn't able to fully deliver a baby..this is where it gets weird folks...I remember in the dream I woke up and everyone was there and they told me that I couldn't do it. That I had tried really hard but just couldn't do it so I got up and went to my GP and tried telling her what happened. I asked her if I was still pregnant and she says "Well we will get some blood and find out." And then she draws some blood....which was so painful in my dream...excruciating. Then she comes back and says "I'm sorry but it seems you aren't." so I am not sure what exactly happened to the pregnancy because in the beginning I was def pregnant. But I kept waking up crying and I kept trying to get back to sleep so I could get back to this dream so I could work out what was what....and I went back a few times...sometimes to where I was "pushing" and other times I was hovering over myself in a hospital bed..it was just weird and sad all at the same time. Eventually I woke up at 10am and was just so sad that I just didn't try and go back to sleep.
   Now earlier I said I had there was one before that and I don't remember much other than waking up and wanting to get on FB to make sure it wasn't real, I had dreamed I got on FB only to find that two very close friends and their family were killed in their home and someone had hacked a FB account and let everyone know. That is all I remember but it was so REAL I was FREAKING out! I panicked for a minute and then realized it was all a nightmare...so I went back to sleep but only fell into my other dream about the phantom pregnancy...all around I would say I didn't get a good night's sleep. I just don't understand why I had two such terrible dreams in the first place...what the HECK was I thinking about as I fell asleep!? All I know is I woke up feeling very sad.