I miss having a group of friends that I can just call or text on a dime and instantly have someone to talk to or laugh with or even go hang out with. I struggle with this daily. I miss my bestie Ashley and feel like a horrible friend because I never ever call :( and I feel bad because everyone else I used to think were such close friends...have all fallen away. Guess that goes to show me how beloved our friendship was I suppose.
Don't get me wrong...Steve is my best friend ....ever! And I love hanging out with him, and talking to him, and going and doing things with him. But he also works 40 hours a week....so that is a whole lotta down time let me tell you. And I try and stay busy, but FB-ing everyone I miss so bad....doesn't really help me feel any better. I love Steve and he is always there for me no matter what.
However, Steve doesn't love painting his nails, or doing his hair (lol), or chatting about the latest drama I am watching on TV....he likes playing his PS3, surfing the web, or watching Footy...all wonderful hobbies that well I don't enjoy so much. We are a man and a woman, and while there are so many things that we enjoy together, there are so many other things that we are completely opposite on! One good thing...it isn't boring! lol
I just miss my girl chats, and chicky-flicks, and trying new hairstyles on each other...I find myself doing these things alone....okay well not the chats because I am not so far gone that I am chatting to myself....although now that I think about it...sometimes I am completely alone and instead of just thinking something I will say it out loud....don't know why because I don't even think about it, it is just word vomit....
I spend my days these days doing laundry, vacuuming, folding clothes...watching Dr. Phil and Everybody Loves Raymond...stressing over budgets and menu's, and bored out of my freakin' mind! I hate being such a home body! I tallied it up not long ago and I hadn't left my house for 6 days....and then I only left to go to church on Sunday and then come straight back home.
The more I stay home the less I care about how I look....I make zero effort for when Steve comes home and that is terrible! I should want to look nice for the hub but seriously just can't be bothered. Heaven help me when I have kids.....
I just don't feel like I have connected with people here like I used to. I know I have changed into more of an adult now rather than a teenager....but I didn't think that meant loosing my people skills. I just always have been able to find someone, no matter where I have moved to, that I pretty much get along with on so many levels and we become really good friends.
I guess I am just a boring, extremely poor, overweight, depressed shell of the person I used to be. I have really changed....and this change I am not at all happy about. I wish I felt like I could just find the old me....and bring her back. But I am worried that she is gone, never to be seen again.
I do have some days that are better than others...I guess today is just a crap day. I have been thinking about Christmas all day and how much I am dreading it. I am just not in the Holiday mood...it is too stinkin' hot!
I suppose this is what happens when I don't post a blog for ages.....a super long one.
In other news-I am going to The Royal Womens' next week and hearing for the billionth time that I am fat and shouldn't have kids because then they'll be fat too. I don't even know why I am going back at this point...they aren't helping me loose weight, and they aren't helping me have a baby. Although I am glad I don't have a kid at this point because I am seriously worried that I want one for all the wrong reasons! I am worried that the idea of a baby is more appealing to me then an actual baby would be....and that I would resent the baby or something....I don't know....I am just worried that I am bored and lonely without my close friends and family here and want to fill that void or something. Which is a terrible reason to have a kid.
I guess that means I won't be having kids for awhile. Not until I am more mentally healthy and ready for a kid for the right reasons. Like wanting to have that huge responsibility of another human being, or wanting to have a little version of Steve and I...things like that.....
Sigh......
Why can't life just come easy for me just this once? I promise I won't ask again?
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